I was once told if you stare into the night sky long and hard enough, you can glimpse it. I found inky blackness, brilliant stars, and blinking lights. Still, I could not see it.

I was once told if you look into yourself deeply enough, you can uncover it. I found inky thoughts, brilliant ideas, and blinking emotions. Still, I could not see it.

I try to hold it. I try to control it. I try to mold it into a shape I find appealing. It slips through my hands. I can not see it.

I know you want me to show it to you. I can not shine a light upon it for you. I can only tell you that it is there. Unavoidable. Unapologetic. Invisible.

Sometimes you just have to trust – trust that when you race into it, it will not destroy you.

I trusted you. Trusted you to love me. Trusted you to want me. Trusted you to want to be with me. Trusted you to not replace me. Perhaps, more than I have ever trusted anyone.

But now you don’t want to be with me? You’ve decided I’m not good enough for you? You want something more? You’ve bought your happiness at the expense of mine? Friends?

No, we can’t be friends, because I thought we were. Perfect love would forgive you. But this is not perfection.

You asked what I wanted to do today. I said spend time with you. You left because I lacked purpose.

I told you I loved you today. You explained how I could prove it. You said you loved me, too.

Today I told myself … Tomorrow I will not want to spend time with you. And I will not love you as much. And the sky will still be blue.

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Lies. White lies. But truth is imperfect. It has shades and degrees. Shadows as well as light flash in its faceted front.

But I know you do not truly seek the truth. But simply affirmation of what you already believe. I give you that.

In the end, I am simply a reflection.

Do I trust you?

Do you trust yourself?

But I offered a friend some advice and I realized my deeds were not echoing my words. So, this post has no creative value. It is not poetic, inspired, or incredibly intelligent. It is simply me.

80% of the posts on this blog stem from my attempt to deal with the hurt, distrust, and various other emotional leftovers from a bad relationship. During this process, I have been in a new relationship whose hope has counteracted most of the negativity of the past. What flowed onto “paper” was a mixture of the two…until recently.

I woke up one morning, began to write here, and realized that the past lacked the ability to threaten the present or to even snicker at the future. Past was true and simply… past. At some point, I had let go of how I had felt and hadn’t even noticed the subtle transition.

I slid my fingers from the keyboard and stared at the blank page in bafflement. The end of a chapter. Close the book. The end.

My tears mingle with these walls. Flowing down. Pooling. A physical testimony to the well of pain and emptiness you left behind. I sink to my knees and pray for mercy. I ask for peace. I plead. I sigh. I laugh.

My breath shatters these walls. Disappearing completely. Gone. My only memento of my captivity is knowledge. I was my keeper. My jailer. My pardon. I am free at last.

Does it even truly exist?

I sit here listening for the noiseless vacuum that must follow in your absence. I cannot hear it. It is overridden by the pulsing of blood through my veins. A throbbing of need for things unknown… unnamed. A cry that needs no vocal accompaniment.

Silence.

Do you think I do not hear you?

You scream with your lack of words. It reverberates through my soul. It rattles my spirit and shatters my heart without a sound. It is louder than mere phonemes strung together…shouts of meaning without sound waves.

Silence. Blessed. Blissful. Lost.

I think if I look deep enough inside myself. If I find something special within me…it won’t matter. I will become weightless. I will float and never fall. I search frantically for that which will save myself feeling desperation replace fear.

That’s where I find it. It had nothing to do with me.

I’m not afraid anymore.

We spill into the quiet pool below as waves of …regret …uncertainty …loss lap around us. We swim quietly to the edge of what was and leave its cold warmth behind. I start to walk away…but I turn instead. I see us reflected within its cloudy blue surface. For a second, the need to return to its embrace is almost greater than the power of reason.

But I hesitate for a second. A large rock plops into the midst of us, shattering the fantasy into a million droplets of pain. I look up and he stands there. He silently lofts another rock into his hand and grins.

“I waited.”

There are instances in life when time seems too cruel. It plays with our dreams. Restricting them. Containing them. Controlling them. When I want to wake up from the nightmare I have fallen into, the blackness seems to wind into forever. When I would choose to remain wrapped within the warm perfection of sleeping hours, daylight breaks through… as dew drops dismiss your name.

I know you were here. Time may remove the evidence from all but my heart and these quickly formed letters…etching you into the path of life.